Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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