I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We were destined to go to rehab together
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
