I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
