I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
it glows. i had to have it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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