I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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