I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
