i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
