one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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