I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
