Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
