We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
