i wish there were pregnant emoticons
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
