oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
