I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
