I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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