You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
