apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
