i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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