just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
