my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
