Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
