I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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