My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
