I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
