no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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