I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Randomize
