I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't think brook has ever known best
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
