Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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