did you get engaged???
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
