I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
