god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
