Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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