Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
