I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
