Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
