remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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