he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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