I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
