I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
