someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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