I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
