i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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