I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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