dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize