Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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