im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize