put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
