I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
