dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
