Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
