My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
