I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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